2023
Chapter 1: The Dao, The Way
The first chapter of the Dae De Jing is The Dao, The Way, where we are introduced to the concepts and intertwined natures of nothingness and existence:
“The Dao, if it can be told, will not be the eternal Dao. The name, if it can be named, will not be the eternal name. The nothingness is where Heaven and Earth originated, and the existence, Mother of all things and creatures. The eternal nothingness is where one explores the mysteries of the world, and the eternal existence is where one observes its limits. Nothingness and existence, though named differently, share the same origin, which remains mysterious. It is from the mysterious nothingness to the mysterious existence that one finds the door to the secrets and miracles of the world.”
The connection between nothing and existing suggests my existence. At every stage of life, I’ve struggled with grasping the implications and question of "Why are we here?". Atoms assemble, order arises spontaneously, and eventually returns to disorder. I exist, I live, running around, acting, interacting, sleeping, consuming and expending energy, all to return to nothingness. What purpose is all of this for?
This used to bother me. A force outside of existence giving, usually dictating a purpose, just doesn’t feel empowering or freeing and has a hollow ring to it. Is there then no purpose? Some will find that ultimately freeing and others depressing. To be honest, I haven’t fully decided which. Today I think purpose doesn’t come before existence but is created by our existence. I give myself a purpose, either by indifferent default or through directed intention. I am the determiner of purpose. That makes me free.
“It is from the mysterious nothingness to the mysterious existence that one finds the door to the secrets and miracles of the world.”
We are all assembled into a universe without purpose, only a cycle of existence and nothingness. There is a beauty and a choice that I choose to find empowering, uplifting, and comforting in that truth.
[Pictured: Reading in Renmin Park, Chengdu, 2019]
Chapter 2: Beauty Versus Ugliness
Try as I might, my mind won’t settle into quiet meditation today, instead, buzzing about giving an image of bouncing off the walls of my skull. Well, some days calm doesn’t come easily. Like existence and nothingness, virtuous deeds and evil, calm and chaos are next door neighbors. One arises from the other, only to give way eventually, and we know only one because of the experience of the other.
“All people see beauty in what is beautiful, and that’s how ugliness is defined. All people see virtue in virtuous deeds, and that’s how evil is exposed. Therefore, existence and nothingness produce each other; difficult contrasts with easy; long is compared with short; high is relative to low; sound and voice together make harmony; front and back go after one another. And that’s why the sage does things by not doing them, and teaches people using no words to teach. He lets all things and creatures act in their own natural way instead of forcing them to act. He creates, but claims no ownership; he serves, but attaches no conditions; he accomplishes, but takes no credit. Only because he takes no credit for his successes, does the credit endure.”
I will not scold myself for the jumble of my mind. This is only the natural way, and when I allow myself this patience, I am allowing growth without actively doing anything. In this way we assert leadership of ourselves.
“...the sage does things without doing them...he lets all creatures act in their natural way...”
I create the space for calm but accept chaos. I own my thoughts but do not stand in judgment of where they might go. There is success in this, and the reward is to repeat the action tomorrow.
[Pictured: Shenzhen Bay Park, 2023]
Chapter 3: Act Without Acting
It might be hard to misinterpret the message of this chapter, talking about how to govern people by weakening their wills, simplifying their minds, expunging ambition and knowledge, all for the aim of maintaining social order. Let’s call a spade a spade. It could be a template for oppression.
“Not promoting talents prevents people from competing against each other. Not valuing things that are rare and hard to get stops people from stealing. Not showing that which induces desires keeps people from disrupting social order. And that’s how the sage finds the way of governing: Simplify people’s minds, fill up their stomachs, weaken their wills, and strengthen their physical frames. That way, people will have no knowledge or ambitions, and the clever ones will not dare to act. Act without acting, and there will be no place that cannot be governed.”
Is this the spot between a rock and a hard place? So soon? The purpose of my collection of reflections is to order my mind, commit thoughts to paper in this moment, and above all else, maintain positivity while doing so. Ignoring the truth is no way to live and is as sure a road to depression and ruin as any. What to do?
Remembering that every book has a unique purpose and audience that originates with the author might be the key to this puzzle. Who is this author, Laozi, if the man existed, which is somewhat in dispute? Who was the intended audience of the DaoDeJing? We can easily set ourselves aside. The DaoDeJing was not written for my benefit. But fortunately, the audience is not lost to time. It is plainly there, and is easy to pin down. He is the only individual directly addressed in the entire collection: The Sage. Not the person of wisdom of our modern definition, but the sage, a king and ruler of nations.
I can never know the mind of Laozi or put myself in his place, but he had the time free to write and be remembered, so perhaps his daily existence was relatively pleasant. A sage-ruler he himself was not, giving advice far from power, in a life at least pleasant enough to find the time to compose and commit refined thoughts to writing. If I think about it, much as I do. Perhaps these commonalities can form a basis of understanding and a shared point of view that allows us to avoid the pitfalls of the aloof and unknowable and grasp the truths and practical value that help us in our modern time.
I think this is the lesson, that nothing is perfect, but everything has value. Belief should never be blind, trust should never be absolute, and all true understanding comes through deep reflection, study, and hard experience.
[Pictured: Usnisa Palace in Nanjing, 2020]
Chapter 4: Does the Dao Predate Heaven?
“The Dao is such a huge vessel that it can never be filled up. Truly deep it is like the origin of all things and creatures in the universe. Though invisible, it seems to exist. I don’t know whose offspring it might be. It could have predated Heaven.”
Understanding the Dao as all-encompassing, including everything, makes me think of the connections that we all share as humans, as animals, and with all living things, past, present, or future. Call it Nature if you will. Does Nature, or the Dao, give us rules to live by? Guidelines, even universal truths, that if we follow, can be sensed? Can we feel like we are doing the right thing, and even more, can we be confident that the action is right?
When a day goes right, regardless of the random series of events, I know it, or I seem to know. Do you ever catch yourself in the mirror and confidently say to yourself, “I am getting it done?" I think we all do that in some fashion unique to ourselves. It is a genuine good feeling, and not possible to fake or manufacture.
I often notice that looking back on an experience that has turned out to be or included mistakes, and reflecting on the causes, that I remember a feeling – or maybe it’s a sense – that I was about to be in error. Maybe I had made false assumptions, had misread another’s intentions, or was walking blithely into a trap. Then I scold myself both for not listening to this inner feeling, letting down myself and the people I care about most.
That remembrance might be a phantom of the mind, tricking me into feeling guilty, or a useful adaptation designed to help me remember a life-threatening experience, and then to do better next time. Both it and it's purpose are illusory. But the disappointment is there to help, and part of the eternal Dao after all, as is the getting-it-done-feeling. Both are tricks of life and as outside of control as the chance events that make up our days. I will practice being mindful on this and exercise healthy pragmatic doubt whatever my mind is serving up. Is this acting without acting?
[Pictured: Sweet treats in Nanjing, 2020]
This Is What It Takes (A Tale from Han Feizi)
This post is a bit different. This version of the below short story comes from Han Feizi, the best-known Chinese philosopher of the Legalist Tradition (230 bce). This excerpt comes from the excellent translation by Burton Watson, "Han Feizi Basic Writings". I hope you enjoy it.
“Once a man of Chu named Mr. He, having found a piece of jade matrix in the Chu Mountains, took it to court and presented it to King Li. King Li instructed the jeweler to examine it, and the jeweler reported, “It is only a stone.” The king, supposing that He was trying to deceive him, ordered that his left foot be cut off in punishment. In time King Li passed away and King Wu came to the throne, and He once more took his matrix and presented it to King Wu. King Wu ordered his jeweler to examine it, and again the jeweler reported, “It is only a stone.” The king, supposing that He was trying to deceive him as well, ordered that his right foot be cut off. He, clasping the matrix to his breast, went to the foot of the Chu Mountains, where he wept for three days and nights, and when all his tears were cried out, he wept blood in their place. The king, hearing of this, sent someone to question him. “Many people in the world have had their feet amputated – why do you weep so piteously over it?” the man asked. He replied, “I do not grieve because my feet have been cut off. I grieve because a precious jewel is dubbed a mere stone, and a man of integrity is called a deceiver. This is why I weep.” The king then ordered the jeweler to cut and polish the matrix, and when he had done so a precious jewel emerged. Accordingly, it was named “The Jade of Mr. He.”
Rulers are always anxious to lay their hands on pearls and precious stones. Though He presented a matrix whose true beauty was not yet apparent, he certainly did no harm to the ruler thereby; and yet he had to have both feet cut off before the real nature of his treasure was finally recognized. This is how hard it is to get a treasure acknowledged.”
I am really enjoying reading Han Feizi (Master Han Fei). He intended to teach a particular lesson with this story, but you’ll have to read the book to get his ideas. Highly recommended, particularly if you are a government minister. Fair warning, he’s a bit of a stickler for rules, takes a dim view of man’s innate morality, and will remind you of Niccolo Machiavelli. But that’s for another time.
This story hits like a kick to the chest. It makes me think of the sacrifices that must be made by anybody who has a passion and wants to follow it. Perhaps that’s a project they hope to turn into a new business or learning a musical instrument or a second language. Heck, just generally being a good person and leading a good life while building a family is a true accomplishment that doesn’t get the celebration deserved. Being true to your passion and creating requires sacrifice, often a larger sacrifice than we ever think possible when starting out. We all should celebrate and be celebrated more.
And this isn’t even about needing the approval of others. Aren’t we our own harshest critics? Doubts must be overcome every day as we chase acknowledgement from our own minds. What we tell ourselves is the most painful and leaves the deepest scars.
“Though He presented a matrix whose true beauty was not yet apparent, he certainly did no harm to the ruler thereby.”
This is an insightful point and put my mind to thinking about how we consume media, particularly social media. Like the Kings Li and Wu, don’t all of us today always have an eye out for free treasures, like easy entertainment? Often, these are basic distractions from our own frustrations. Often, we contribute nothing to the process except anonymous feedback, and too often that feedback is ill-considered and negative. As creators, we can stay true to what we believe. As consumers of content, we can be kinder.
A final point in closing, about Han Fei’s ideas in general. As a guide to society and government, I disagree wholeheartedly with his premise and believe that practical experience, both in China’s history and in other cultures, proves him wrong on many basic assumptions. Setting that aside, his writing is thought-provoking, and if I read him more introspectively, there are a lot of hidden gems to find. He’s practically a motivational speaker, that story above being only one good example. Something to think about.
[Pictured: HuangLongXi, Chengdu, 2023]
Chapter 5: Hold the Middle
Reading the title, Hold the Middle, my mind snaps to a common maxim, “all things in moderation.” A perfectly reasonable lesson to draw and a good topic to explore. But hold on – is that too modern? It feels too easy. I shouldn’t let my 21st century environment and education lead to a rush past a deeper and more intended lesson. So, let’s read with intention and dig deeper:
“Nature behaves as if it is indifferent; it treats all things and creatures like straw-dogs. The sage behaves as if he is indifferent; he treats all people like straw-dogs. What a great bellows it is between Heaven and Earth! It is empty, and yet it will not exhaust its supply. The more force one exerts, the more it supplies. Hearing too much will leave you with no strategies or tactics; it’s better to hold the middle.”
The Great Bellows of Heaven and Earth, what a clever and beautiful turn of phrase. Attention is a finite quantity. Places to direct it are endless. There is always so much going on. If you’re me, so much going on to worry about, an inexhaustible supply. I used to do that too much, worrying about anything, the past, the near, the far future, etc. Sometimes I still fall into that endless space. But that space is a pit that doesn’t go anywhere. The only way out is to backtrack and begin again.
More productive and pleasant to direct my attention toward happier distractions. So much to be grateful for: new subjects to learn, skills to practice, family to guide and support. Nature always has more to offer. Whatever is happening in this moment, good or bad, there will be another. I can govern myself by accepting the present while knowing the promise of future moments await. In this way extreme readings of any situation, event, or person can be managed, and the middle held.
[Pictured: Statue of Liu Bei, in Wuhou Temple, Chengdu, 2023]
Chapter 6: The Valley Spirit
I have an awareness (but not an educated understanding) that Laozi wrote using simple characters, and that many layers of meaning exist and can be interpreted from his writings. Therefore, I have a strong sense that the work of translating these characters into English must be devilishly difficult. This is borne out in referencing other authors on the topic and finding their translations for comparison appearing radically different in choice of words, and even in apparent meaning, if less so in general meaning. At the very least I can say with confidence that the translation affects the emphasized meaning in a significant way. In summary, a lot can be lost in translation. The Valley Spirit is the first chapter that gave me a strong sense that I am missing something, and that the something is worth digging into.
“The spirit of the valley never dies, which informs the mysterious femininity. At the door of this mysterious femininity lies the very root of Heaven and Earth. Continuously flows the valley, confirming life’s eternity.”
Naturally(?), my western male mindset makes the connection to sex, the sex organs, and the cycle of rebirth. Anyway, being honest that’s my first thought and I think it’s defensible. Maybe my Catholic upbringing is showing, Catholic school, Sunday church, etc., or maybe I just read too many Dan Brown novels.
No reference to men or masculinity, but a valley cannot exist without the sides of the mountain to give the valley form. Both depend on the other and that contrast again gives the nothingness existence and the concept of a valley and a mountain real form in Nature.
This makes me think of how time only moves forward, never back, and how maybe we wish to go back and change or imagine different paths, but progress only comes from decisions we make in the present moment and moving forward. The lessons that can be found there are overrated against the experiences that living life provides. The past can be dangerous if we keep looking at it for too long. I’ve done that, spending time regretting past decisions. The mind adapts and learns, like digging furrows that thoughts easily find and flow down repeatedly, even when I don’t want to. That’s the danger of dwelling on the past, a hold develops like a sticky web and before you know it, your mind isn’t your friend anymore and you can become stuck. So, there it is. Everything flows from the valley, all things good and otherwise, so be careful which valleys you dig.
[Pictured: Doorway of ZhugeLiang, JinLi Street, Chengdu, 2023]
Chapter 7: Why Heaven & Earth Exist
Chapter 7 demonstrates why I find the DaoDeJing, and ancient philosophy in general, so engaging. People who lived thousands of years ago grasped and were able to record basic truths about their experience of existence, and not only did those writings survive to our time, but so much of their intuition and observations have been borne out and supported by generations of later philosophers, scientists, and professionals living and studying in all walks of life. I feel a sense of connection to the human experience that reaches across space and time, a part of that shared experience.
“Heaven and Earth are everlasting. Heaven and Earth last forever because they do not exist for their own purposes. So, they live forever. The sage places himself behind others, so he can stay ahead of others. He thinks about others’ interests, so his own interests are taken care of. Is it not selflessness that works to realize his self-interests?”
In my meditation, the connections to (more) modern science are what impresses and sticks in my mind. I think it is a profound statement, in any age and society, that the universe exists for no purpose of its own. My personal view on the subject is that the universe has no purpose whatsoever, much less a purpose for its own, and that therefore, as part of the universe, we enter existence with no purpose. But it doesn’t follow that I cannot have a purpose, and indeed I do feel that I need a purpose, and I expect others agree with and share that feeling. The freedom of creating a purpose for us and contributing to the creation and adaptation of the purpose of others close to us as we go through life is quite a blessing. A blessing bestowed by no one and nothing, being just part of nature. What a kindness.
[Pictured: ChongQing, 2023]
Chapter 8: The Highest Good
Chapter 8, The Highest Good, is absolutely one of my favorites. It is so good, immediately the words of Bruce Lee, “Be like water, my friend” comes to mind. Bruce had tapped into something foundational. This short passage motivates the spirit to make any motivational speaker of our time jealous.
“The highest good is like water. Water is good at benefiting all things and creatures; it never competes to have a higher hand. Water flows to lower places that people disdain. So water knows what the Dao truly is. People with the goodness of water are good at finding lower places, keeping their heart calm, being kind to others, using truthful words, governing well as a leader, managing things effectively, and taking action when it is time to act. Only because they don’t compete to have an upper hand, do they not grudge.”
Water gets on with the task at hand. Water seems to know there is nothing to prove to anyone. Water changes form as it takes on energy, releases energy, as needs require.
I have so much to do today, some tasks given by others, but mostly imposed on myself. Some of this will be fun and enjoyable without conscious effort, some will invite frustration and even threaten damage without pointed mindfulness. But through it all, it’s just me, the same person, the same mind. When I push for that last repetition, I will be like boiling water. When I hug my wife, I’ll be channeling placid. I will expend energy, take new energy in, learn, and grow throughout, but always I am myself, as water is water.
The conclusion that the way to achieve the highest good is basically to be a good moral person is compelling; be responsible to yourself, kind to others, and as an effective manager of others and projects, be a valued contributor to society. It is a complete summary of the ideal way to live a life we can look back on and be proud of. I will never not find it amazing that someone committed these thoughts to writing 2600 years ago. If these still ring true today, it’s time-tested, so to speak, and that proves credibility. In a search for “the answer”, this is a pretty good path to start down.
[Pictured: Teahouse snacks in Chengdu, 2023]
Avoiding Chaos In Your Life (A Warning From HanFeizi)
We’re going in a different direction this week. Life intervenes, regardless of best laid plans, and some experiences this week will just feel better if I write them down here. My family is using China’s National Holiday to take a trip to Luoyang, which if you don’t know, was long ago the long-time capital of the empire. 13 dynasties, to be precise. There’s tons of history, great museums, temples, and local delicacies (look for pictures at the end). We really like travelling to new places, think it is good for the kids, and Luoyang is one that I’ve been looking forward to for a long time.
There is one attraction in particular that caught our eye: Laojunshan. Not only is this 2,184m high set of peaks and gravity-defying temples stunningly beautiful, but it is also a place where Laozi, the founder of Daoism, resided as a hermit for some time (allegedly). Laojun is a crown jewel, and anyone would be lucky to visit. This is Laojunshan:
Laojun is two hours drive from Luoyang, so a tourist company offers a lot of convenience. Between watching the weather (to avoid rain spoiling the view) and ticket window availability, we could only plan 48 hours in advance. Booking the tickets was where the bad news hit; we were informed “foreigners” are not allowed to visit Laojunshan. This came as a surprise; for one, Google, Ctrip, and other resources failed utterly to include this information, and I’ve travelled all over and never experienced this before. When asked for an explanation, nothing satisfying was offered. This is where things got tricky. Only those with a Chinese ID would be allowed in, or “those who looked Chinese”. I have no hope of clearing that hurdle, so we decided to do other things. Now I am going to be fair and clear: this person was probably just doing their best. They certainly don’t speak for everyone, and we must never jump to conclusions, which is after all how fatal misunderstandings come about. But I am going to take this excuse to put some feelings to paper that have been growing inside for some time. I hope these comments will be taken in the open spirit in which they are delivered.
As it happens, one of my favorite maligned philosophers of antiquity, Han Fei, has an ancient rant that expresses some of what I want to get across:
“Because the ruler gives equal ear to the learning of fools and imposters and the wranglings of the motely and contradictory schools, the gentlemen of the world follow no fixed policy in their words and no constant code of action in their behavior. As ice and live coals cannot share the same container for long, or winter and summer both arrive at the same time, so, too, motely, and contradictory doctrines cannot stand side by side and produce a state of order. If equal ear is given to motely doctrines, false codes of behavior, and contradictory assertions, how can there be anything but chaos? If the ruler listens and acts in such a way, he will surely govern his people in the same absurd fashion.”
I have lived and worked in China for 26 years, since 1997; I think you will agree a long time. Long enough to see significant changes. Most of the changes for the better, a few for the worse. For some time, I’ve begun to sense that I can see the end of me and my family’s time here.
When a breakup occurs, we often say, “it’s not you, it’s me”, sparing the other party the guilt and pain. Not though, in this case. China, it’s not me, it’s you. You don’t even know me, though my face, assets, preferences, predilections, and plans are all saved in some cloud somewhere, there has always been an invisible barrier that kept us at arm’s length. It is getting harder, and I can’t help sensing that is somewhat intentionally so.
We’ve been drifting apart for a while. Covid was a big moment for all of us. Many connections were lost in the fear and lockdowns. But Covid isn’t all to blame; economies decoupling, grand game politics, national pride, the hubris, all of it is contributing. Maybe culture itself, the gongs of history, are reverberating to a crescendo and we will all crack at some point.
You know what? It is as much me as it is you. I didn’t start out well, all those years ago, and I misbehaved. I went a long time without getting to know you. I am trying, now, but there’s a lot of undertows from the past. We must be realistic; all things come to an end eventually. Maybe we can use the time remaining to us to go some ways toward a deeper understanding. I am not discouraged. My family is closer through this experience and the rest of our time in Luoyang was interesting and relaxing. Disappointment is an opportunity to practice and demonstrate emotional and physical strength in support of others.
I don’t normally date my articles and that’s intentional. These should be timeless and untied to any event in the world or in my life. This will be an exception. Today is October 2, 2023.
Chapter 9: When To Recede
There is so much here, a tornado of chaotic impressions and memories that just bubble up from my mind like a geyser. I feel this passage personally, knowing that this is the advice I’d give to my younger self, before he went on his wild adventures, risking everything and blindly trusting everything to luck. The memories are painful, many of them, not all, but the unpracticed mind has a way of unhelpfully serving up regrets, missed opportunities, moments of potential clarity that just passed by. This chapter affects me. This is where I want to go, because by going to those places voluntarily, from more solid ground, we can learn what lessons are available, and diffuse the danger, own what we know, and maybe be able to share it in a positive way.
“When you have what you need to have and still want more, it’s better to put the excess down. When you have made your tool too sharp, it won’t last long. When you fill a house with gold and jade, you can’t keep it safe. When you have reaped riches and honors, and now act arrogantly, you are sowing the seeds of disaster. When you have achieved your success, you had better recede: the Dao’s way.”
I was arrogant and bored. When you don’t know what to do, and don’t know why to do anything, you can find yourself landing on something that superficially seems good, and it might even be that, but without the reason and context, things can get swept away and balance isn’t even an afterthought. That was work for me, and being a common condition for many young people doesn’t make my experience any less unique to me.
I poured myself into a company’s results and the goals of someone else. In that pursuit I was successful because I was very good at it. I am surrounded by the results of that success as I sit here today. But there is an undercurrent of bitterness that comes from knowing that it came from a place of putting off the future, not of preparing for it. After investing so much into one aspect of yourself, it is difficult to admit that the return on investment isn’t there anymore. Enough is enough. It might be time to pull back and reassess, to temporarily recede. Often, others must tell you. My hope for you is that they do so gently but persistently.
I don’t have to keep going down that path and stay one-dimensional. It’s better to put the excess down. People and circumstances change. My advice is to look forward as much as possible, even after the point where enough time has passed that there is more in the past than future to dwell on. If you don’t have your Why or your Passion, that’s fine, take the necessary time and devote energy to the search, but don’t get caught out by unknown unknowns. Take responsibility for that, and actively look for your purpose until you find it.
[Pictured: Shenzhen Bay Park, 2023]
Chapter 10: Mind and Body as One
This chapter really touches on a subject and truths that have been consistently reinforced by experience, and recently, science. The DaoDeJing is easy to fall in love with for the way these simple truths are presented in an unadorned, “woowoo-free” way:
“Make sure that your mind and body be one, but can they have no separation? Make the flow of your vital energy soft and natural, but can it be soft and natural as a baby’s? Clear up your mind, but can it become totally flawless? Can the sage act by not acting when it comes to caring for the people and governing a state? Can he retain femininity when all his senses are exposed? To remain clear and enlightened, can he not use his intellect? He creates and nurtures. He creates, but claims no ownership; serves, but attaches no conditions; and governs, but be no oppressor. These are called high virtues.”
If you are a practitioner or early experimenter with mindfulness meditation and have tried all the popular apps in your search for the promised peace of mind (as I have; Calm, Headspace, and Waking Up are very good), try reading the first three lines in that measured, monotone voice of your favorite mindfulness narrator. Imagine a rhythmic drum slowly echoing in the background. Doesn’t it fit perfectly?
When my mind and body are the most aligned, as Laozi describes “as one”, such as when engrossed in some favorite exercise, walking downstairs from our apartment or in the park, or sometimes (though less so with the quality of Hollywood’s recent fare) just watching a movie, my sense of self dissolves, and I think this is probably the closest an adult can return to being as “natural as a baby.” Routines and well-formed habits lead to being in this state, which is close to a kind of forgetfulness; there is no energy spared to muse about anything except the task at hand.
One mind and one body working together – messily – but driven by instinctive emotions. Emotions driven by instinctual habits. Consciousness existing without contemplation. With contemplation, comes judgment. How old were we when the first experience of hunger became greed? When does wanting human contact become possessiveness? I wonder if this is when we begin to stray from being “flawless.” I wonder if the line is crossed when our consciousness begins thinking and conversing with our minds in that endless internal conversation we have with our imaginary selves. The more that we do this, it seems, the more potential for destruction. Destruction to the world and those around us, but most of all to ourselves.
When the mind turns in on itself and that voice starts talking, this is when I most often meet judgment and doubt. Judgment about what I’ve done in past conversations, how I’ve handled troublesome people in my life, the big decisions that I’ve made, and then doubts over whether I’ve prepared for all sorts of imagined events yet to come. Much has been talked about the mystery of consciousness. We still don’t know why it arises, or how to simulate it, and debate endlessly about whether we should. I wonder if consciousness is an unalloyed good – or is it the enemy of good? The words of Laozi come to the fore.
“People see virtue. . . that’s how evil is exposed. Therefore, existence and nothingness produce each other; difficult contrasts with easy; long is compared with short; high is relative to low; sound and voice together make harmony. . . “（Ch. 2, Beauty vs. Ugliness）
For myself, I believe consciousness is an evolved trait of brain chemistry and configuration, certainly a useful characteristic for the survival of the species. But that says nothing about the value to me (us) - the individual, and particularly how little care there is for the potential for pain and failure. Mindfulness practice becomes important for that reason, because being aware isn’t all good all the time. If I can practice becoming better at noticing when the conversation is returning to boring and corrosive topics, I can say “ah-ha, we’ve heard this before, and it didn’t move me forward.” For today, let’s move on, embracing the positive people and habits in our lives, setting goals and working purposefully toward those higher virtues.
[Pictured: The Best Noodles in ChongQing, 2023]
Chapter 11: Usefulness Versus Ownership
Fun and thought-provoking ideas start off Chapter 11 and I could spend all day thinking about the probable meanings and coming up with examples. At the time of writing, I happen to be on a summer family vacation, and writing on the road without the usual pressures has me considering my usefulness...
“Thirty spokes encircle a nave, but the usefulness of a wheel depends on the emptiness inside of the nave. A vessel is made of clay, but it only becomes useful when it is empty. We make doors and windows to build a house, but people can live there only when it is vacant. Therefore, owning a thing creates convenience for its use, but the actual usefulness is when it is not used.”
Whenever I hear someone saying they always knew what they wanted to do, I can’t help having a quiet doubt. Could they be truthful? Or maybe they just remember past events with more confidence. I can honestly say that at no point in my early years at school or in a “career“ did I know what I should do or be. What I did have clarity about was what I was going to do in the meantime. So, that’s what I did, for many years, but there was a problem. What I was doing never became what I should be doing, regardless of how long I worked at it or how proficient I became. That ate at me, from the inside.
I still have no idea what I should be doing. But it doesn’t matter. The problem is too big to get a head around. For me, maybe for anyone. I’m not recommending that a person just go bumbling along day to day, and that’s not what I was doing. A person can and should have a roadmap of possibilities that need to planned and resourced, and hone skills to prepare for the likely and best futures. Nobody can foresee the opportunities that will come along for us, but to respect our luck to be alive it is important to take steps to be ready. As Sam Harris once said in a talk on Free Will (time stamp 53:15), “...you can’t take credit for your talents, but it matters that you use them.”
I think our actions, and the skills we invest in, are best employed in pursuit of a purpose or vision, and then intentionally applied to move that vision forward. This is where Laozi's Chapter 11 leads me.
[Pictured: Shenzhen Bay Park, Fall 2023]
Chapter 12: Sensual Pleasures
The 12th chapter instantly conjures up an infinite number of cliches and cultural references. My grandmother from the Old Country always used to admonish me that “my eyes were bigger than my stomach”, and many of us will recognize Fight Club’s Tyler Durden’s warning to himself (spoiler!), “The things you own end up owning you.” Did Laozi really hit on something here – or is this just a rather obvious observation? The human condition hasn’t had any time or reason to change in the 4500-year blink of the eye that history is. The temptations are still with us, indicating the challenge is one none of us can ignore.
“The five colors blind a person’s eyes. The five musical notes deafen a person’s ears. The five flavors dull a person’s tastes. Horseracing and hunting madden a person’s mind. Rare treasures make a person do bad things. That is why the sage cares about his belly, not his eyes. And that is why he keeps one and rejects the other.”
The DoaDeJing was written with rulers in mind, and today I’m of the mind to interpret it that way. A ruler’s first motive is always to preserve his own survival. Suffering from “dulled” senses, a “maddened” mind, or becoming “blind” to threats surely signals a coming chaotic downfall. Why do people endeavor to rise to leadership in the first place? I have some frustration inside that needs to be voiced.
I wonder how and why people accrue power and wind up finding themselves in positions of leadership. I have observed many multi-millionaires and a few billionaires up close. I can advance three factors that played the largest role in putting them where they are. The first is simply INERTIA – once the money ball and the responsibility boulder start rolling downhill, the rolling tends to continue until natural forces, economic or health or otherwise, that started things rolling, come to a stop. The next factor is FEAR – much the same fears that motivate every human: the fear of not having enough when needed, the fear of having less than others we want to be compared to, and the fear that scales with wealth of not deserving what we have. This fear is a nasty one and a source of so much pain, but it is not the big boy. The final factor, the one that really dominates us all, rich, and poor alike, is LUCK. Nobody is responsible for the time and place of their birth, who their parents are, the belief systems and environment they start out in, etc. Everything flows outward from this causality, not to mention the numerous instances of random chance that advance us throughout our lives. But this doesn’t negate our hard work, talents, and dedication. We may not be responsible for our skills, but it matters that we use them. And this, this right here, is where we fail ourselves and everyone else.
I believe the world would be a vastly better, happier, and a more productive place if everyone, but especially the luckiest among us, openly acknowledged their luck. Our luck. We should respect our luck, speaking publicly about the influence of luck in our lives. We should take actions that increase the odds for others. We see the momentum and fear in the “cult of the leader” that is so pervasive and pernicious today. We see the fear in the dedicated parks full of statues and name-plaque public buildings that masquerade as altruistic gifts. These only glorify the giver, long after he or she is gone. Worst of all, these monuments send the explicit and implied message that something was special about those who erected them, and by implication, that others are somehow less. Let’s do away with this infatuation with justifying ourselves. Lead by example and call out misguided behavior wherever we find it, whatever the consequences.
[Pictured: TaiKooLi, Chengdu, Summer 2023]
Chapter 13: Fear Comes From Your Own Being
So much of what drives people comes down to fear. Observing myself I think this is so. Afraid to fail at some ages and circumstances. Quietly afraid to succeed at other times. It is hard to perceive what others are feeling and thinking. Some people seem to be better at harnessing and using their fear. Do they push their feelings deep down, or do they harness and use their feelings to some advantage? Fear must be present, I do not believe fear can be eliminated from our lives. Laozi saw the fear that was ever present in daily life and sought to explain the origin:
“Both favor and humiliation can scare you. Value your greatest fear just as you value your own being. What does it mean to say, “both favor and humiliation can scare you?” Favor means being uplifted, and humiliation means being downtrodden. Favor can scare you, so can losing it. That is what it means to say, “both favor and humiliation can scare you.” What does it mean to say, “value your greatest fear just as you value your own being?” The reason that one can experience all fears is that one has his own being. What’s there to fear when you don’t exist! Therefore, to endear yourself is to dedicate all your being to the world, and then you will be entrusted with the world. To love is to dedicate your life to all others, and then all others will trust you.”
Thinking on this led me to ask why. What do favor and humiliation have in common? I don’t doubt that it is true, though humiliation is a clearer and more obvious thing to fear, I think everyone would agree. Rarely would anyone seek a public downgrading. Favor is different only in kind, meaning that we seek after it and only later realize we have gone farther than we are comfortable. My early business career comes to mind. I chased favor: promotions, recognition, reputation, as I was running away from the threat of perceived humiliation every day. When I eventually did reach a peak, of sorts, I found being there isolating, and, not knowing where to go from there, the feeling and threat of eventual downfall was ever-present.
So, what do favor, and humiliation have in common? Both come about from CHANGE. When I turn my attention to myself, what I always feared most was change. Change from both directions, doing well and doing poorly. I think we chase things like status, promotions, possessions, to get “somewhere” and feel safe. Continuous movement in one direction can be a form of standing still, always running on the same never-ending treadmill.
What I look for today is progress within a life that brings experiences and surprises that I try not to judge one way or another. Setting goals and anticipating the future is part of life and it can be enjoyable, but letting go of the illusion of control can be difficult and frightening. Being scared is all right.
[Pictured: Changsha, Fall 2023]
Chapter 14: Mysterious, yet It's the Way
“You try to look at it, and yet nothing can you see. This is called “formlessness”. You try to listen to it, and yet nothing can you hear. This is called “soundlessness”. You try to reach it, and yet nothing can you touch. This is called “shapelessness.” These three forms of existence negate further inquiring, so let’s mix them into one mass. Above the mass there is no light, nor is it dark below it. It is so elusive and undefinable that it is impossible to name. What is certain is that all things and creatures return to the original state of nothingness. This is called the form of formlessness and the shape of shapelessness. It is so fleeting and inconceivable that you greet it and yet you don’t see its head, and you follow it and yet you don’t see it’s back. Uphold the Dao of the past, and you can understand things now around you. If you understand the beginnings of the remote antiquity, you know the law of the Dao.”
Oooo.. Spooky. In my meditation today, I began thinking about shapeless, formless, and soundless things that affect us without our usually ever being aware in the present moment. In my travels around the world, extensively throughout Asia, living here for now closing in on thirty years, I have reached the conclusion that people anywhere we find them are just people. Surface differences of skin color, size, speech, are just that, surface dressings that overlay an evolved genetic code that is the same in all of us. I’ve always said that people are much more alike than different. The motivations, the fears, what brings pleasure and a sense of well-being, these are common to all of us.
But there is a thing that differentiates peoples around the world. The phrase “uphold the Dao of the past” got me going on this path, and “understanding the beginnings of remote antiquity.” So, what is shapeless, formless, and soundless in our societies, yet shapes and, in truth, dictates many of our everyday actions? What comes to us out of the past? What is so fleeting and so difficult to put a finger on and even define? What is often behind our actions and perhaps the key to predicting the future? The answer is culture.
Culture shapes us all in every way, working unseen and unawares. The older a culture is, the deeper the roots, and the deeper the roots the stronger the influence. Culture is like a DNA of the mind. I wonder if we are even born with some echo of cultural influence. Without doubt culture begins working on us from the moment of birth. It is everywhere, in the way parents raise their kids, and in society’s expectations and traditions. To understand a culture is to go a long towards understanding a people, and understanding how a people think and why makes prediction possible. It also makes coercion possible.
Getting in touch with my own culture has always been a challenge. Moments of being connected to how my culture is shaping my thoughts, words, and actions, and aware in the present moment, much less being able to take any assertive corrective action, is elusive at best. Even after the fact, often after a long time has passed, does it strike me why I said what I said or did what I did, and why that was interpreted in a way I wish that it hadn’t. My best breakthroughs have come after immersion in other cultures. Talking and spending quality time with people of different backgrounds is like holding up a kind of mirror that can give us a glimpse of what others see. Then returning to my “home culture” is another mind-expanding venture. When you can see your actions in others, you are glimpsing the fingerprints of culture. This should be done repeatedly throughout life. I still fail every day to act purposefully in the moment but my belief that it is possible remains. We are shaped by what we are, but with effort, I believe that we can rise above our past and explore a new future.
[Pictured: Changsha Art Museum, Fall 2023]
Chapter 15: Life Rebounds
I have spent a disproportionate amount of time thinking about the past. My past, my family’s distant past, the historical past, all have enjoyed a proportion of my attention. These days, I feel that I’m less prone to this practice. More on that later. Sometimes this thinking is healthy; remembering good times and helpful lessons or past triumphs fortifies me for the days ahead, though all too often dwelling on past setbacks takes over. The mind indulges in replaying scenarios and imagining alternative paths. This is less than healthy. The Ancient Masters revered by Laozi seemed to have a best practice standard for confronting their present moments of challenge.
“Ancient masters of the Dao were so deep and profound that they were able to grasp the hidden secrets and mysteries of the world. It was because they were so deep and profound that a full revelation of their wisdom is hardly possible. They were so cautious as if to wade through a winter stream, and so alert as if enemies were all around, and so dignified like a visiting guest, and so fluid like melting ice, and so unaffected like an uncarved block of wood, and so patient waiting for the mud to settle down and be clear again, and so open-hearted like a valley. Who can stand still waiting for the mud to settle down and gradually become clear? Who can remain quiet all along while life gets stirred and gradually reborn? Those who uphold the Dao refuse to be self-content. And only do they refuse to be self-content, life rebounds after having its downfalls.”
Wouldn’t it be a dream come true to be as “fluid as melting ice”, as “unaffected as an uncarved block of wood”, or my favorite beautiful turn of phrase, “(patient enough) for the mud to settle and gradually become clear”? To be able in every moment to be perfectly aware of your condition and able to assess the surroundings and conditions of the people you are interacting with. We could settle our nerves, still our impulses, evaluate the options and opportunities, and then make the right call. A dream come true to be sure. Through meditation and diligent mindfulness practice, I believe we can go some small distance toward narrowing the window of time between responding and understanding. I’ve made some progress, reflecting on my actions and impulses with clarity years after the event, and sometimes, even perceiving the impetus on my emotions mere minutes after I’ve lurched off in whatever direction they’ve led me. Thinking about that makes me laugh; I hope it does for you too.
But was Laozi having a laugh too? Who were these ancient masters who were so deep and profound? If Laozi met any of them, he might have asked them to prove their dignity and alertness. After all, who can remain quiet while life gets continuously stirred? The truth is these ancient masters didn’t exist in that way, and he knew it. He also knew that people naturally hold up the past of others as an ideal. It isn’t even that no one can be that perfectly placid and passive. It’s more than that. No one should try to be. To uphold the Dao, to be part of Nature, is NOT to be self-content.
Life is constantly being “stirred” and the open secret is that the mud never settles down. Life has up and downs and would not be life without the action. When down, look for the rebound and ride the wave up. So be emotional and unapologetic. Learn from the past but take your lesson and go. Do the best possible in the moment and move always forward.
[Pictured: (Above) Shenzhen Park, Fall 2023
(Below) Shiota Chiharu Art Show, Shenzhen Art Museum]
Chapter 16: Empty Mind, Quiet Heart
I sometimes think about the many things I’ve worried about that turned out to be, if not worthy of worry, at least fell far short of the mental energy I invested in them. One of the great pitfalls of worrying too much and too early about far away events and life decisions is that you can easily scare yourself from making the right decision when it is time, finding ways to entirely avoid new adventures, people, and uncomfortable but personal growth-inducing experiences. One consequential decision avoided, then another and another, shunts us onto paths of very different opportunities and decisions. These are fertile conditions for regret. Regret is about looking back. Laozi appears to advise us to look over the cycle of life and get a new perspective:
“Empty your mind completely, keep your heart in total quietude, watch all things and creatures grow on their own, and you would be in a good position to observe how they return to where they came from. All things and creatures in the world, as varied and complicated as they are, eventually return to their roots. The return to their roots is called quieting down, and that is what the cycle of life is. The cycling of life is an eternal law. Knowing this law is wisdom. Not knowing this law and acting on whims is playing with fire. Knowing this eternal law, you can be tolerant. Being tolerant, you can be impartial. Being impartial is the rule of Heaven. Following the rule of Heaven, you are one with the Dao, and will endure. You will then be free of disasters all your life.”
Quiet your mind, notice how the world quiets down, then observe and take note of the commonalities in all things and creatures of the world; and there is a lot that is common to notice. Observing ourselves is difficult, maybe impossible, but paying attention to others and taking interest in the stories of others provides a sort of Big Data insight as to how the cycle moves. There are an infinite number of ways to raise kids, but some ways are better than others. Providing exposure to a variety of ideas and pursuits, while encouraging their own choices of where to excel is a good common-sense idea. Allowing the space to build a career and managing to find balance while doing so is a set of tasks shared by many, and there are right ways and less than right ways to go about the process. For example, striking a healthy balance between giving and getting throughout the progression of a career, and always keeping an eye on what will happen after.
Is this wisdom? We all try to chart a positive and successful path through our cycle of life, so maybe the real wisdom comes at the end of the lesson. Be impartial with your choices, and tolerant to yourself. If this is the “rule of Heaven”, it is a sort of key to personal freedom.
[Pictured: Black Swans at Art Museum, Changsha, Fall 2023
Chapter 17: A Wise Ruler
Having read several different DaoDeJing translations, the variety of choices and results is what surprises me. My reading hasn’t been exhaustive, probably not even the very best, but I prefer my copy of the World Academic Classics. This translation has the most down-to-earth feel of any others I’ve sampled. It feels more practical, and easier to draw lessons from. Chapter 17, A Wise Ruler, is a great example.
“The wisest ruler is one that people know exists. A less wise ruler is one that people want to get close to and praise. A still less wise ruler is one that people fear. The least wise ruler is one that people despise. When a ruler lacks sincerity, people will not trust him. A wise ruler will weigh carefully and value what he says. When people have had their work completed and made things happen the way they are supposed to happen, the wise ruler would let them say that they did it themselves, all on their own!”
Though written for a government-type, I think everyone’s aim with this material is to find meanings that touch us personally and have relevance to our lives. This chapter is about relating to others where there is responsibility, strong influence, and definite ways to succeed and fail. A lot like parenting. There is a suggestion that a wise ruler looks on his subjects as his(her) children. I’m a dad with two young boys. Being a good dad, being seen as doing a good job, and seeing the proof of my children grow and succeed in life means a lot to me.
What does the advice Laozi has for kings and queens suggest for parents in any age? Let’s start from the bottom and work to the top. A despised parent is the worst, what nobody wants to be, there’s no argument there. People often go so far as to hurt themselves in pursuit of hurting the target of their hatred. There’s no worse way to inspire or guide behavior. A parent who is feared can get what appears to be desired behavior, at least for a time, but there’s no guarantee that any understanding of why underlies the seemingly good behavior. When I’ve resorted to threats and coercion, the few times I’m ashamed to admit, what happens is reversion and subterfuge with renewed energy. Being scared into not doing something can somehow make that experience even more desirable. Next is a parent who sets him or herself up on a pedestal and in effect just says, “do what I do”. Well, this sounds less bad, especially if the parent is a success. “Follow in my footsteps” has a whiff of arrogance that leaves a rotten taste and often ends badly. Children should grow up being encouraged to live their own lives, make their own decisions, even when that means taking on painful lessons.
And that’s the “best” ruler - or parent. One who is present as a harbor is welcoming to ships sheltering from a storm, one who offers advice and their own experience sincerely and without judgment. One who encourages and celebrates when things go right. This sounds like mainly standing in the background, off stage, watching these little people that mean everything to us go forward, stumble, get up again, and repeat. That is so hard to do. I make no claims to my talents in this most important of human duties, but I feel fortunate that my boys are curious about the world and were born believing they could do anything. I just don’t want to let them down. Chapter 17 is worth returning to and reflecting on from time to time. It reminds us who we are working for.
[Pictured: Laozi on his Black Ox heading off into the West, taken at Luoyang Porcelain Museum, Fall 2023]
Chapter 18: Go and Talk with Confucius
There is an historic rivalry between Laozi and Confucious, and Laozi pulls no punches. That cattiness is one of the attributes that attracts me to the works of Laozi, Zhuangzi, and the like. It is well worth diving deep into the philosophies of these ancient men, imagining they and their students furiously competing against each other to gain the ear of this or that lord. Never did they compete for the attention of the masses, and some of their beliefs about “the common people” do not stand up to the light of modern thinking. But that’s neither here nor there. Today my mind is weighing up the merits of these two heavyweights, Laozi and Confucious, and considering who has the weightier points about ritual and right.
“When the Dao is discarded, there would then be benevolence and righteousness. When great wisdom is shown, there would then be the practice of great deception. When harmony is broken between father and son, older brother and younger brother, and husband and wife, there would then be the talk of filial sons and kind parents. When a country is thrown into chaos, there would then be loyal ministers around.”
Confucians are known for emphasizing ritual, sometimes to extremes, but this is somewhat misleading. In the insightful book, “The Art of Chinese Philosophy”, Paul Goldin points out that Confucious did not write down anything himself, and what has been recorded by others gives the impression that he had no qualms about changing his arguments to suit his intended audience. He, in fact, allows for changes to important rituals, such as funerary rituals, if the situation demands it. This “slipperiness” on foundational concepts is one factor accounting for the longevity of his fame and philosophy, is admittedly practical and in accordance with human nature, but can be frustrating when one wants to pin a Confucian down on foundational beliefs.
Going all the way back to Chapter 2, Beauty Versus Ugliness, the point is made by Laozi that creating rituals meant to counter some mean aspect of human nature, does itself lend to creating the very defect that the ritual was meant to counter. Or one could say it merely uncovers the truth about that defect, that it exists. When people see beauty in what is beautiful, ugliness is exposed or defined. If one really thinks about it, if you need to define, talk about, and ritualize a behavior, this is admitting the problem it was meant to counter exists. The ritual, instead of being a solution, is a thin papering over of reality. Not in truth a solution at all. Examples are not difficult to come up with. The ritual expectations for the relationship and obligations of filial sons (and daughters) and parents in China today, for one. For another, every company with management and a Human Resource department that preaches their care for their “team members” when a casual glance at every day practices reveals no concern whatsoever for the hired labor. And a final example, we are admonished to rise above body image and not judge ourselves harshly, but all successful male actors sport the same impossible physique. Impossible without pharmaceuticals, that is, though they must be cautioned not to admit it, for the sake of supplement, energy drinks, and exercise product sales. Laozi is calling out hypocrisy; it was a reality of the world then, and it still is now.
However, I do think Laozi is a little “don’t think about a pink elephant” in his viewpoint. Of course, now that I’ve mentioned the pink elephant, in your mind you immediately must be picturing a pink elephant. We have consciousness and reflect on our world. We don’t rely on instinct alone, moving through life without any thought to what we’re doing, or reflections on why. We compare, we contrast, and our base morality, mixed and twisted by nature and nurture, makes our views of the world all different. Some of Confucious’ disciples took things far with ritual and rulemaking, and I get it up to a point. Rituals give us something to anchor to and gives society an appearance of control that feels good. But the boosters of the Dao may have set expectations too high on humanity’s innate morality. The more I reflect on it, the more confusing this conflict between philosophies becomes. The True Dao includes everything, even rituals.
The lesson I’ll choose to take away from Chapter 18 is to be on the look out for and wary of rituals imposed “from above”. Look for the “loyal ministers”, and if I find such people who press their virtues so insistently, then perhaps my life is at risk of chaos. The more I look around, the more superfluous most of the things in our world become. It is never too late to learn, and every day is a new opportunity to sharpen our vision and practice "acting without acting”. My friends, enjoy your day.
[Pictured: The last flowers of Fall and a bird posing, Shenzhen Bay Park, Fall 2023]
Chapter 19: Be Plain and Simple
Laozi felt that certain philosophers (who shall remain nameless) spending their energy trying to “order” society were wasting their time, and even worse, causing damage to the natural order. The natural order that would be peaceful, positive, and productive if only people were left to their own natural desires and ideas. The natural order would be enough. Whether that holds up, I have my doubts. But to me, he seems to have put his finger on the secret to happiness.
“Don’t pretend to be a sage and don’t be too clever, which would benefit people one hundred times more. Banish the talk of benevolence and righteousness, then there would reemerge filial sons and kind parents. Say no to excessive ingenuity and self-interests, then there would be no robbers or thieves. If these three advices were words only, that would not be enough. You must know what you need to do: Be plain and simple, control your desires and selfishness, and give up teaching and feeling superior.”
You must know what you need to do: Be (live) plainly and simply (within your means and needs), control your desires and selfishness (while resisting societies influence machines), and give up teaching and feeling superior, i.e. comparing yourself to anyone other than your past self and goals. We must already know this. This word “must” humbles and leaves me uneasy. Because I did know better, even at my youngest, and at my most complicated. I’m not saying I was a bad person or making any claim for myself today; I am saying I probably wouldn’t enjoy spending time with past me.
I don’t know if this is the truest path to happiness and fulfilment, but I do know that whatever path we take, it best be based on a measure of truth, the more truth the better. Ignorance might be bliss, but it is also unreliable and fleeting. After all, there was a time in my life when I didn’t know that 2+2=4, but once having gained that knowledge, there is now no forgetting it. A lot of things are like that. I could go to church faithfully every Sunday and totally commit to one of those belief systems, but what’s to prevent a chance event or encounter from bursting that fragile bubble (as it did). Waking up is so painful; and irreversible. Maybe Tony Robbins actually believes in his self-actualization-entrepreneur schtick; though I suspect he doesn’t. Bad example. Maybe Dawayne Johnson really believes his positivity and winners-gotta-win mindset. He might be a genuine nice guy. After all, each of us has only one life to live. Why shouldn’t he keep his illusions?
Anyway, that’s me rambling on. Thank you for reading and sharing a tiny part of this journey with me. May our paths cross again.
[Pictured: A snail navigating his world in warmer days, Shenzhen Bay Park, 2023]
Chapter 20: Mother Feeds
If words can be beautiful, and terrifying, then these are. That’s what Chapter 20 does to me, shining a light on the inscrutable questions right in front of us. Where fear comes from, why safety is so elusive, and what it feels like to face it alone:
“How far apart are a pleasing yes and an unpleasant no? What’s the distance between good and evil? People who fear cannot but be feared. Who knows where in so vast a world fear can come from! All are so happy as if they were attending a grand feast or stepping onto a balcony to enjoy the view of spring. I alone stay where I am at, not knowing what lies ahead just like an infant having not yet learned how to smile. I am tired, feeling like having no home to return to. All others have so much to spare whereas I alone seem to have lost everything. I am so stupid, so very ignorant. All others are bright and enlightened, but I alone am so confused. All others are alert and probing but I alone am so very sluggish. Quietude is as deep as an ocean, and wind keeps blowing as if it wouldn’t end. All others are accomplishing something whereas I alone am stubborn and useless. I just want to be different from all others; what I truly treasure is me being fed by Mother.”
Chapter 20 is preceded by chapters (17-19) delving into how to lead communities. There is a palpable sense of frustration on display with the conditions of the time and with the methods and recommendations (specifically from Confucians). There is a sense that society is going down the wrong path, that there’s little that can stop the slide, and the author is on the outside looking in; helpless to make any impact. Then, as if stopping in mid-tirade, the author is struck by his own train of thought and pauses to reflect on his own and our fragility. Maybe he is the only one with these thoughts?
If my mind is a mystery to me, how much of a black box is everyone else? Sam Harris once said that his mind was like sharing an apartment with the most boring person imaginable. Repeating the same tired old stories over and over. For him that could be true, but my mind is an amplifier; perhaps yours is too. When I have reason to feel confident, thoughts arise to amp me still higher, saying you can do this, a virtuous cycle of affirmation and self-congratulations. But the opposite is just as real, small failures and disappointments become confirmation that I’ll never be good enough, that I’m a fake, a destructive cycle that takes so much time and effort to break out of. The distance between a pleasing yes and an unpleasant no? A thought.
We will never know what it feels like to be someone else, but we must share the same experiences. Each person an island unto themselves looking out for the lion of our fears even now waiting in the tall grass. Everything we do requires bravery. And here is Laozi reaching across 2500 years of time and space to say, “I feel it too.” Existence has always been this way, and always will be. We are alone. Alone together. I will follow that example today and reach out so that those around me know that I’m not always bright and enlightened, but often confused; that I’m not always alert, but also tired; that I don’t know what’s coming next; but we face it together.
[Pictured: A walk in a park, and a contrast between old and new, Nanjing, Winter 2023]